


how do i breathe

by lostin_space



Series: Wheel Of Crack Wednesday [10]
Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Bisexual Kyle Valenti, Coming Out, F/F, Friendship, Gen, lesbian Jenna cameron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-21
Updated: 2019-12-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 17:21:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21892036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostin_space/pseuds/lostin_space
Summary: Jenna and Kyle realizing they're queer.
Relationships: Jenna Cameron & Kyle Valenti, Jenna Cameron/Maria DeLuca
Series: Wheel Of Crack Wednesday [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1549672
Comments: 10
Kudos: 22





	how do i breathe

**Author's Note:**

  * For [justsomejerk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/justsomejerk/gifts).



> i’m avoiding my responsibilities and my longer fics because they’re intimidating me, so i decided i’m just going to gradually write every single one of aileen‘s wlw headcanons because she had multiple aspec related things and i’m a sucker for that. anyway lesbian cam being fwb with bisexual kyle

“You wanna try something a little unconventional?”

“We literally just had sex in Alex’s bed instead of simply taking his dog for a walk and leaving, what could possibly be more unconventional?”

Jenna rolled her eyes as she shifted to face Kyle better. He was handsome. Like, cover of a magazine handsome. She knew that. She had sex with that. And it was _good._ And, still, it wasn’t hitting the right marks. She was running out of things to try to see what filled those gaps.

“Do you want to go to a gay bar with me this weekend?” she asked. Kyle furrowed his eyebrows and then turned to face her. He was silent and she didn’t prod. Hell, she was just as lost, but he was the only one aside from Alex she trusted not to make a big deal out of her request. And Alex was traveling the world to dismantle a giant fucking conspiracy that had hubs in Guam, San Juan, Fortaleza, and a million other places.

“Sure, we can go,” Kyle said instead of asking questions. She was thankful. Primarily because she didn’t have answers.

“Cool.”

-

Jenna was a very well-to-do, established, put-together woman.

And by the time she’d been sent the fourth drink by random women, she realized she was in way over her head.

“This was a bad idea,” she said, turning to Kyle. He was staring into his drink with a face that looked like he’d just been told he was pregnant and was trying to work out how that happened.

“Yeah, maybe,” he agreed.

“This is just too much at once,” she continued and didn’t try to figure out what exactly that meant. She was just overwhelmed and couldn’t think.

“Yeah,” he said.

The left the bar faster than they’d entered.

“Are you okay?” she asked him. He licked his lips and looked at her, opening and closing his mouth a few times as if he had something to say because didn’t have the words. She waited for him to call her out. She waited for him to say words that had been floating in her mind since she was a teenager, but she’d always pushed away and decided she’d deal with it later.

But now it was later and she needed help.

“I’m fine,” Kyle decided and then held out his hand. She took it thankfully and smiled when he gave it a comforting squeeze. “Let’s go to a bar that we actually are prepared to enter.”

“Lead the way.”

They both climbed into the front seat of the car, but the car never started. They simply sat there and stared out the front glass in silence. The longer she stared, the more Jenna’s throat tightened and she felt like she was going to cry. Which was bullshit. There was nothing cry-worthy about this. Nothing happened.

But, then again, that was the point. Nothing happened.

“Are _you_ okay?” Kyle asked softly.

Jenna took a deep breath and let out a shaky laugh. “No.”

“Wanna talk about it?” he wondered. Jenna sniffled and turned to him. He was her best friend. She trusted him more than anyone. She loved him. And yet she didn’t _love_ him. 

“Can I ask you a question?” she said. He nodded without hesitation. “Can you tell me why I was able to sleep with you, the most conventionally attractive man in the world, acknowledge that it was super good, and still not really be into it? What the fuck is wrong with me?”

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you,” Kyle said, thankfully not offended, “Maybe I’m just not what you really want.”

“What do I want?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

“Well, I wish someone would because this is fucking ridiculous,” Jenna laughed. Tears slipped past her eyes and she instantly started feeling like a baby, but she needed to get it out. She needed to speak. “Sorry, I just… I don’t get it. Nothing works. I feel… I feel disconnected, like something’s wrong with me. Like every man I’m with is just… fine. I’m going through the motions. I look at these couples and I see what they have and I want it and I can’t fucking find it. I feel like I’m holding my breath and waiting for someone to come along and remind me how to breathe, but it’s never there. Nothing is ever there. I’m-I’m _suffocating_.”

“Hey,” Kyle said softly, reaching across the center console and grabbing her hand again. He made her look at him, “Yesterday, I went to the gym like I often do. There was this guy there that’s there all the time, he’s spotted me a couple of times. Big, buff guy, probably in his late 30s. Super good looking, like, makes me look like a thumb in comparison.”

Jenna laughed softly, “Is there a reason for this story or did you just feel the need to tell me about this guy?”

“There’s a reason,” he promised, chuckling softly, “Anyway, yesterday, he asked me to coffee. Like, a date.” 

Her eyes widened. “Oh?” 

“Mhm,” Kyle said, shaking his eye and closing his eyes in embarrassment, “And I cried in the bathroom.” She squeezed his hand like he’d done for her and waited. “I basically avoided him and ran out and tried to go bury myself in Project Shepard work so I could focus on literally anything else other than the fucking swarm of feelings I had from that two-second encounter. And then fucking Guerin of all people came down and forced me to talk. And you know what he said?”

“What?” Jenna asked, genuinely curious.

“He said that being queer isn’t that big of a concept and that I should accept because I had bigger issues to deal with and that I had people around me who didn’t care and would love me regardless. He told me if I thought that guy was hot, then I should go to coffee with him, even if I was still unsure because the best way to figure it out is to try. He said as long as you’re upfront with the fact that you’re trying to figure shit out, then no one gets hurt,” Kyle said, taking a deep breath and smiling, “So I’m passing his advice onto you.”

Jenna closed her eyes and folded her lips in. And then she smiled.

“Okay. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now let’s go dismantle a government conspiracy.”

-

“You look like shit.”

Jenna snorted as she looked up to Maria. She was gorgeous and had eyes that felt like a challenge. Jenna liked that about her. She liked the way she was blunt and open, but not necessarily mean about it. Which is precisely why they hung out multiple nights in a row. She felt safe. Like Kyle felt safe except, while she knew Kyle like a children’s book she’d memorized, Maria was a new novel with a summary that was just her cup of tea.

“Thanks,” she said, taking a sip of her whiskey. It stung the back of her throat and Maria simply smiled when she didn’t make a face.

“What’s wrong?” Maria prodded, “And don’t lie. I’m psychic.”

Jenna scoffed, looking at the bartender and hoping maybe she could solve all her problems. But perhaps that was the whiskey talking. Maria simply leaned forward and pushed her to speak with a raised eyebrow.

“If you’re so psychic,” Jenna started, “Then what am I thinking right now?”

She swallowed and took ahold of her confidence and looked up to Maria with a smile. Maria licked her lips and let out a soft laugh.

“You’re thinking that we close in twenty minutes and that you really don’t want to go so soon,” Maria decided. Jenna shrugged and brought her glass to her lips.

“Sounds right to me.”

The twenty minutes went by both too fast and not fast enough. Then she waited the extra thirty minutes that it took for them to close up and then the other bartenders left and it was just them. Excitement prodded at her, eager for whatever this meant. She was so curious to figure out if she’d finally solved the puzzle. She was sure she had, but… confirmation was important.

“You look good out of uniform, by the way,” Maria said, now sitting on the barstool beside her. Jenna was very, very aware of each time their legs brushed and their elbows bumped. So, so, aware. “Not that you don’t look fantastic in uniform. Because… you really do.”

Kyle’s words rang in her mind. _As long as you’re upfront then no one gets hurt._ Jenna turned to face her completely and took a deep breath. She had enough whiskey in her system to make a move, might as well be now.

“I think I’m gay and I have no idea because I’m 28 years old and managed to bypass all experimenting ages and all I know is I think you’re really fucking gorgeous,” Jenna said in the same blunt tone that Maria used all the time. Maria’s eyebrows raised and she smiled pleasantly. “Your turn.”

Maria turned to face her entirely too and then hopped off the stool. Jenna could hear her heart in her ears as Maria stepped close. She held her breath.

“I was 22 when I realized whatever I felt for my dead best friend wasn’t platonic,” Maria admitted, “I know all about being confused and feeling too old to have first experiences.”

“Okay,” Jenna said, nodding as a small hand rested on her thigh and long nails gently tracing the seam of her jeans. Her whole body went tense and heat pooled in her stomach in a way that had never occurred with any man. Not even one has hot as Kyle.

“If you need someone to experiment with, I’m here. No judgment,” Maria said, sweet smile in place. Jenna swallowed and tried not to focus too hard on that smile.

“Yeah. I would appreciate that.”

“Now?” Maria asked, tilting her head curiously. Jenna nodded and almost cursed at herself for how embarrassing that must’ve looked. No judgment came from it.

Instead, a gentle hand pressed on her chin and a soft kiss was pressed to her lips. Jenna gasped involuntarily which earned a smile and then another kiss. She got kissed over and over, in all sorts of way and covered in all sorts of touches. There was something exhilarating about manicured nails scratching into her hair, soft skin and feminine curves under her palms, and the promise of lipstick stains whenever she was done. It made sense. For once, it made sense.

“How do you feel?” Maria asked.

Jenna sucked in a heavy breath.

“Like I can breathe.”

**Author's Note:**

> also on my tumblr: spaceskam


End file.
